First Date Expectations For Women Over 40
A series that chronicles the up's and downs of dating in midlife
Unless you’ve been living under a rock, I know you’ve seen the ‘list’ that has gone viral about places men should NOT take a woman on a first date (deep, heavy sigh). So how did we get here - with people bashing Cheesecake Factory and Starbucks as first date options and having some unrealistic exceptions when it comes to a first date? And who thought it was a good idea to tell men (or anyone for that matter) how to spend their money on a first date, especially when no one asked for this advice?
Well…you see what had happened was…
A random young lady took to TikTok to tell the world how a guy tried to take her to the Cheesecake Factory on their first date, and how this was beneath her (if ‘the audacity’ was a person). She then went on to give instructions on how to finesse a guy into taking you to a more expensive restaurant, and other places you’d like to go instead. The internet went wild and everyone had something to say (including men). Then The Cut magazine decided it would be a good idea to add who-cream and a cherry on top by taking a poll on first date expectations. From their poll a list of places you shouldn’t take a woman on a first date materialized (internet trends are now considered journalism), and the conversation regarding first date expectations became more intense.
One thing that I noticed was that younger women have different expectations when it comes to a first date, than women over the age of 40. Many were more concerned with their social status and what it costed to eat at a certain establishment, while the first priority of women over 40 was their safety.
I had, and continue to have, a few questions about this ‘list’. First, how old were the women that The Cut surveyed? Secondly, what is current socioeconomic status of these individuals? Lastly, did they grow up in the presence of healthy relationships? As a researcher, I think this background information is important because it gives more clarity regarding the answers that were given.
As an older woman who likes dinning at the Cheesecake Factory, and who also realizes you can easily run up a $100 tab on food and drinks - I guess this list didn’t make a bit of sense to me, and it appeared that this group of women participants really don’t understand why we date someone in the first place, and what a healthy relationship involves. Now I could be wrong…but I doubt it.
Along with other toxic dating advice I’ve seen on the internet, it appears that most of the women who shared advice regarding this list had never been married and/or involved in healthy relationships. Their talking points appeared to be ego driven and more about self then togetherness. And because most internet users will believe a stranger on TikTok before doing a simple Google search, I decided to share my thoughts on what a healthy relationship involves and offer a few suggestions for a good first date for women over the age of 40.
What is a healthy relationship and why do we date
A healthy relationship includes the following; honesty, trust, and open communication between two people. Developing a healthy relationship with someone takes effort and compromise from both individuals. Someone who is manipulating the first date to suit their ego is not trying to compromise and the only effort they are going to exert in this relationship is making sure it benefits only them. There will be a power imbalance because they’ll control it all.
Dating helps us to determine if the other person is worthy of building a lifetime together, becoming a close friend, or someone we need to avoid altogether. Trust me…after being married and divorced twice - I now date with intentions. I am more concerned with your character, than how much you spent trying to impress me during out time together.
As I scrolled through this ‘list’ it dawned on me why the dating pool is so toxic, and yes, women are partially to blame - especially if our focus is on Instagram worthy pictures and reels. In addition to the entitlement and false perceptions that are fueled by social media, we have a ton of broken people who are out here looking to enter into a relationship with a healthy person in hopes that they will make them whole/complete. Well I hate to bust your bubble, but that’s simply not how any of this works. In the real world, it takes two healthy people to have a whole and healthy relationship. Yes, it’s your responsibility to fix what is broken within yourself before you drag someone else into your life. Fix your own mess, and then find your soulmate.
Now I can’t forget about the individual who only dates for a free meal. Yes, you heard me correctly. Their bank account doesn’t allow them to dine at these fancy restaurants, so they use other people’s money to enhance our Instagram feeds with exquisite reels and breathtaking photos. Unfortunately, a simple date at Starbucks doesn’t fit into their online illusion. Instead of working on building the life that they want, they are out here scamming people, then have the gall to try and give the rest of us relationship advice.
A great first date
So what constitutes a great first date? Before you meet someone in person for a public outing, you should start with a few dosages of healthy communication and flex your compromising skills. During a few phone calls (not text exchanges or DM’s because we don’t have time for stuff to get lost in translation) each individual should be utilizing this time to getting to know the other person. “What do they like and dislike? Where are places they like to go? What are their hobbies? Why did their last relationship end?” Most people will answer simple questions about their favorite foods, and what they like to do for fun during a casual ‘getting to know you’ conversation over the telephone. Please don’t bombard them with a bunch of texts or a DM dissertation.
Next, based on what each of you have shared, plan a first date. You can do this together, or one person can take on the responsibility and ask the other if they are okay with their final decision. I suggest starting with something simple that is also cost effective, but creative. If you want bonus points - make sure it’s a fun or memorable activity for both of you.
I also advise that you meet up at the agreed upon destination - drive yourself there or take an Uber. This removes any pressure of you leaving early, and you are not dependent on the other person taking you home if you aren’t vibing with them. Leaving should not be a game of mental gymnastics, especially if you are feeling uncomfortable.
Example: Let’s say you do meet up at Starbucks. Once you are finished with your coffee, you can end the date and never see this person again if they don’t live up to your expectations. Some people present well over the phone, but are socially awkward, rude, or aggressive in person and that may be a deal breaker for you. But according to this ‘list,’ coffee dates are beneath these women and they want a man who can dig deep into the pockets of his Armani suit in order to ‘get to know them’.
Now I did agree with a few of the suggestions that were on this list but not for financial reasons…
I don’t want to meet your family at a get-together for our first date. I need to first establish that I like YOU. Hell, I might like your Aunt Martha and now you’re stuck with me, lol.
Church. We can not have a conversation between the choir singing and the preacher preaching. It’s okay that you love the Lord, but we can push attending church together to a future date.
Your house. Nah…I don’t know you like that, and your intentions probably include little communication, and a lot of foreplay, followed by sex. Again, safety and healthy boundaries should be our first priorities. NOW…if you are meeting up just to hook up - please go to a hotel. Everyone shouldn’t know where you lay your head at night.
The gym. Again…I can’t have a deep conversation with you in the gym while trying to focus on my abs (and the abs of everyone else that passes by). That will be an accident waiting to happen, and no one is attractive when they have a set of weights sitting on their chest.
Although I love a movie date, I don’t like them as a first date. Again…you can not talk for at least 1 1/2 hours while sitting silently staring at a movie screen and eating popcorn.
Photo by Felipe Bustillo on Unsplash
First dates I’ve been on that I’m happy we decided on the location:
Cheesecake Factory. We had an amazing time talking and getting to know each other. His schedule could only accommodate a companion, while I was more interested in a relationship, so we decided being associates would work better for us.
Starbucks. I realized he could not hold a conversation to save his life, and he also had a lot of insecurities that needed to be worked out in therapy. The bouquet of flowers that he brought was a beautiful touch and the thought did warm my heart, but we didn’t move past that latte.
The Little Village (a restaurant in downtown Baton Rouge, La). Honey…he started complaining about the prices as soon as we sat down (he selected the location, not me). He complained that the place was too fancy and not his style, but admitted he selected it because he was trying to impress me. He also complained about some other things, but I had tuned him out knowing I would never go out with him again because he complained too much. I actually talked more with our waiter who was trying to save me for this date from hell. NOTE: The food was amazing and a few years later I held my Ph.D. graduation there. After our lunch date was over, he eased the bill towards me. I politely got up, and left him and the bill sitting there. I called the person who introduced us once I was safely inside of my car and cussed him out. He knew his friend was a hot mess and should have never set us up.
Monjunis Italian Cafe (a restaurant in mid-city Baton Rouge, La) - This date talked about his ex-wife the ENTIRE time! He clearly was still in love with her, and had messed up to the point that she filed for a divorce and moved all the way to Minnesota, but the food was delicious! This was also a lunch date and the menu items were reasonably priced during the middle of the day, so I returned to the restaurant for a business meeting a few weeks later. He was sitting in the back of the restaurant and texted me. Apparently he thought my male business associate and I were on a date.
Picnic - He packed a picnic basket that included champagne, different types of cheeses and finger foods, and he had an awesome jazz playlist serenading us in the background. We laughed and talked for hours as we watched the sunset over the Mississippi River. We dated for almost a year after this first initial date, with future dates including art exhibits, restaurants, jazz concerts, festivals, and social gathers with friends.
As you can probably see, I focus more on the person, their conversation and behaviors during a first date, vs the price tag and how much it costed them. I have my own money, so if I want to eat at an expensive restaurant I will take myself on a date (and yes, I am known for eating solo at a restaurant).
What I got from this ‘list’ is that a lot of people do not understand the purpose of dating and have unrealistic expectations of what a first date should entail. This outing shouldn’t be about a free meal, or to get into a place you otherwise couldn’t afford. Instead, the first date should be used as an in-person interview, with each of you deciding if you’d like to see the other person again, do you enjoy their company and conversations, and would you like to know more about them.
Comment below. What are you thoughts about ‘the list’ and your expectations when it comes to a first date?
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I’m afraid a lot of younger women are looking to the “Real Housewives” for role models of how grown, “successful,” “wealthy,” “married” women behave. They have adopted the dominant cultural values: status& money before relationships.
Hello Dr. Yazeed, you hit the ball out the park as usual. I'm over 50 and I also feel "The List" is about materialistic. It scream self-entitlement. I was married to my husband for 15 years before he passed away in December 2014. For our first date he took me to lunch at a Cantonese restaurant. Other dates included the movies, plays, and concerts. I agree with your regarding the background of the study participants. Since we have no demographic or preliminary information of the respondents, it's hard to assess their ages, employment status, socioeconomic standing. Please keep educating your readers. As I said before, I'll follow you wherever you post.