Life After Death: 1 Month Update
Eight years ago Life After Death was the title I decided on for my dissertation. It was the title of a Biggie Smalls album and at the time, it was fitting for the research I had conducted. I’ve always been conscious about what I speak and write into existence, so never in a million years would I have thought the simple title of a project that focused on social work education at historically Black colleges would become the theme of my own damn life one day.
It has been exactly one month since my youngest son died unexpectedly and I must admit, adjusting to life after his death hasn’t been easy. I often wish I could go back in time and change a lot of things - perhaps prevent his death, but no matter how I’m feeling or what I’m thinking, the absence of his physical presence here on earth has not stopped life from continuing for those of us left behind.
My first keynote speaking engagement after his passing is October 9th for the Tillman Foundation Women’s Trailblazer Leadership Conference. I am very grateful for their patience with me during this time. Unfortunately, I can not say the same for other conference planners, whom I’ve noticed have tried to take advantage of me because I am grieving. Grief, has not impacted my worth nor my common sense. Instead of trying to reason with unrealistic and passive aggressive event planners, I’ve turned all of my event scheduling over to All American Speakers, the bureau that represents me.
Honestly, I’m still amazed at how some people see my posts on social media and just assume I am back at 100%. Honey, some days I’m barely at 5%. The reason you’re still seeing content from me is because a large part of my business is automated, which is helpful during times like this. It’s called working on your business vs in your business (entrepreneurs I hope you caught that).
I’m currently finishing up with my current group of coaching clients and will probably take a break until January (I’m still undecided). In the meantime, I am finding a lot of joy working on this newsletter and also Secrets of Six Figure Speakers; with each being updated weekly (again - the power of automation). And while I’m at it- thank you to everyone who has become a paid subscriber of A Retired Hot Girl. You’ll never know just how much your support has meant to me.
Do I still cry? Yes.
Do I miss Taye, dearly? Yes.
Do I have questions about his untimely death? A bunch of them.
I am currently going back and forth with the coroner’s office because I’m not understanding how they didn’t do an autopsy for a 22 year old that only had their perscribed mental health medication and a small amount of marijuana in their system at the time of death (police said it wasn’t enough for a person to get high - let alone kill them). No, it wasn’t a suicide. No, he wasn’t a drug addict as an insensitive family member had the audacity to ask. So what caused his death? Well I just discovered that heart disease is a serious issue on the maternal side of my family. I had an uncle who died from a massive heart attack at the age of 21, in addition to my grandfather dying from a heart attack a few months before my parents wedding. On my paternal side of the family, my grandmother also died from a massive heart attack.
Black families really need to be more transparent about health conditions BEFORE people die vs after the fact. Unfortunately, I may never know the exact cause of Taye’s death because of an overworked, understaffed coroner’s office that made an assumption without any evidence to support it, and the unnecessary secrets of kinfolk. (But I’ll keep you posted).
I am still moving forward with establishing a memorial fund in Taye’s name. To date I’ve raised $3,780 that will go towards grants for local, young adult musicians. I am forming a committee that will consist of his coworkers, classmates, friends and associates who are connected and committed to the music industry, to help me organize a music showcase which will take place in March, 2024 for what would have been his 23rd birthday. Our first meeting will be in October. I am also planning to host a Business of Music workshop in the summer of 2024 for local artists. Right now, I’m working on a list of things I need to do like - submitting the paperwork to make the memorial fund part of a non-profit foundation, and to have a website developed where people can learn more and make donations. It’s these acts of love that have kept me sane over the past month.
So how am I taking care of myself these days?
I still walk 2 miles daily. And when I do eat, I try to have a healthy home cooked meal, but I do have moments where you can catch me eating a 3 Musketeers or a bag of Funyuns while watching Netflix and just being. My oldest son and I talk a lot when he’s not at work, but often I am at home alone. During the day, my friends are in rotation - sending me text messages and calling so I’m not sitting with my thoughts or the loudness of silence. I appreciate them for holding space and allowing me to cry, laugh, and sometimes just ramble over brunch and mimosa’s.
For the most part, family and associates have moved on with their lives - no calls, few texts. My 80 year old maternal aunt sends me an inspirational text message every morning and she wants me to hang out with her in Vegas for Thanksgiving (and yes, she is going there to gamble and flirt with younger men, lol).
There are still the lingering few who ask and say stupid shit like, “You have to be strong,” and “Don’t blame yourself,” but strong is not a part of the grief cycle, while blame and anger are. I so appreciate those who are honest and tell me they just don’t know what to say - because honestly there are no right words, and what I want to hear, no one can make that happen. No one can bring my Taye back.
I’ve also discovered over this past month that several people whom I’ve called ‘friend’ for many, many years, probably never looked at me in the same manner (I talk about this more in the video below). The bright side…I’ve reconnected with girlfriends that I hadn’t spoken to in years, and when I tell you they have been 10 toes down…!
How is Jorden?
Jorden and Taye were 3 years apart. They fought like cats and dogs as they got older over petty stuff, but for the most part, they were all they had. Jorden cries a lot and he worries about me even more. Last night the house was eerily quiet and when I went to search for him, I found him curled up in my bed - having cried himself to sleep. I encourage him to cry and to talk about his feelings. I let him know its okay to miss his brother and that grief is natural. Yes, it’s okay for Black men to cry and show their emotions over here. His job has offered to pay for grief counseling, and his boss allows him to take time off when needed (why can’t we have more employers like them!).
My life is evolving in other ways, but I’ll save those updates for another day. Just know that your prayers are still welcomed and needed, because death isn’t easy.
For more information, check out the video I made regarding my grief journey.
Dr. Carey
P.S. Donations can be mailed to: Taye Yazeed Memorial Fund, P.O. Box 2054, Gonzales, LA. 70707 or Cash App $DrCareyYazeed.
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Dear Dr. Carey Yazeed, thank you for this transparent update via your article and the video. We have never met, though I’d like to one day. In lieu of meeting, sending you all warmth and care for your loss as I appreciate and understand that grieving the loss of someone who was and will always remain dear in our hearts is an immense and exhausting process. And, I hope with your process there is heart healing for you in whatever way that looks in whatever time you need...realizing too that healing from losing a loved one may never be complete. I loved how you shared, dealing with loss is complex and specific to who the individual was in our lives and where we as loved ones are in our spiritual journey. Thank you again for sharing. All my best to you and your oldest, 🙏🏻❤️🦁🌅🪷