If I Would Have Known Back Then, What I Know Now

Photo by Leighann Blackwood on Unsplash

Have you ever looked back on your life and thought, “If I would have known back then, what I know now…” yeah, me too. Since turning 55 I’ve been having this thought more frequently, in addition to questioning decisions I’ve made in the past that I feel are now impacting me.

I’ve blazed a lot of trails in my lifetime, and some have come with me sacrificing my privacy, being verbally attacked both in person and on the internet, and lately feeling that I lost my son because of who I have become, in addition to losing a little bit of my sanity along the way. These days as I sit with my thoughts, I find myself wondering, “why didn’t I do this, why did I do that?” with a bunch of what if’s sprinkled in between. And knowing I have more years behind me, then in front of me, I find myself desperate to figure this shit out.

Photo by kevin turcios on Unsplash

Some things I find myself wishing I would have done differently include:

• Not listened to my Godfather and my mom 33 years ago when I inquired about real estate investment and they both shut me down. Now I realize that everyone isn’t for you, and just because someone is older, it doesn’t necessarily mean they are wiser. During a recent conversation with my brother, we both admitted that our mom sometimes gave us bad advice that has now impacted our lives. It doesn’t mean she was a bad mother, it means she didn’t know everything and instead of redirecting us to someone who could give us the advice we were seeking, she made some bad attempts that we didn’t realize until now.

• Not gotten married - both times. Both are stories that I’ve covered at some point, so I won’t bore you with the gory details again, but the bottom line is this - don’t let people bully you into getting married! As a little girl I would often tell my parents that I had no intentions of getting married because all I saw married people do was argue, cry, and threaten each other to leave. I allowed relatives to tell me about my ‘biological clock’ and how I would grow old and die alone, lol. Little did they know I still ended up like that, but I digress. I also should have selected better when it came to the men who were supposed to be my life partners. I selected some horrible life partners that ended in divorce. If I could go back and do it all over again, I would have remained single.

• I would have majored in pre-med with a minor in psychology and went to medical school to become a psychiatrist. Instead, I majored in psychology, got an expensive degree in social work to only find myself being sent into the hood and improvised areas with nothing protecting me from catching a bullet except a manilla folder, for a salary that had me being a social worker to myself after hours. For all of the continuing education, 2 years of supervision, testing and licensing requirements that is required, I seriously could have gone to medical school.

• Realizing I could writing Black romance novels and take professional pictures at the same time. Yes, for 7 years of my life I worked as a children’s Black and White Photographer. I had so much fun doing this, but I sold my equipment and used the money to self-publish my first book, a novel. This was on the brink of social media taking over our lives. When I think about the money that I’ve missed because of this choice I am beyond sick.

• I should have fired my employment attorney in 2016 after realizing he was an asshole who had no intentions of helping me, and hired a new attorney to represent me for my hazardous workplace lawsuit. Anxiety really can interfere with good decision making.

• Moved into a neighborhood that doesn’t have a homeowners association. All I can say is this - these people are beyond crazy and really don’t know what in the hell they are doing and I still don’t know what this high ass fee is being used for.

• Permed my hair. I’m loving the short cut, but after 4 months, I’m seriously over this perm. I’m ready to return to my wash and go styles and the low maintenance curly looks.

Photo by Baptista Ime James on Unsplash

Since I now know better, here are some things I’ve tossed around as I consider “What’s Next”:

1. Possibly writing and self-publishing another novel. I have actually typed out a few paragraphs on my computer, but most days I struggle to find the motivation. I know that has more to do with me grieving than anything else. If I wrote a fiction book would you read it?

2. I also want to write a script for a movie or the pilot for a television show and have it featured on Tubi (I’m not picky), Hulu, or Lifetime. I actually wrote and filmed a short film many, many years ago, but it’s trapped on an old Mac computer that no longer works (deep sigh). To be honest, it was good, but the people I hired to do the filming and editing were trash.

3. Then there are days when I think about really embracing YouTube. I actually have a YouTube channel with a following of 1.2K on the platform, and I’ve done a few shorts that have been well received, but I’m torn on the type of content I want to consistently create and the editing nightmare. I don’t want to limit myself to advice videos or synopsis’s of current events. I’ve thought about creating visuals for this newsletter (you can watch me vs reading all of this), maybe talking about life over 50, my struggle with weight loss as I’ve gotten older, and this closet full of fashion that somebody needs to see, lol. What kind of content do you watch on YouTube?

4. I’d like to spend a year traveling the world. I actually have a list of places I want to visit saved on my Instagram account, and I have a picture of a passport and a tropical island on my vision board. This one, I’ll probably be doing sooner, rather than later.

5. Fall in love with a man who has a Type A personality and will do anything and everything to make my life easier. I am tired of takers, tired of men latching on to me- believing my behavioral scientist online personality is my entire personality, wanting me to elevate them, fix them, and rescue them. I want to fall in love with a man who will take care of me mentally, physically, and financially.

6. I want to learn how to play golf to help me accomplish #5 (wink).

7. Buy a few acres and build a compound for myself and my oldest son. We actually discuss this often.

As you can see, my “What’s Next” phase will consist of me utilizing the right hemisphere of my brain also known as the innovative/creative side. As I grow older, I want to return to the period in my life when I freely created new things, tried new things, and nobody knew my name. I long for the day when I can return to being behind the scenes, drinking my water and minding my business, while getting paid. But what I know for sure is that I am ready for my what’s next phase, my life pivot. I just need to figure out what that will look like for me in the months ahead.

So what are your thoughts? Do you have a pivot plan for your life after 50? Do you think my “What’s Next” ideas are far fetched? Which of my ideas resonates with you? Comment below!

Dr. Carey Yazeed is a retired hot girl who’s still out here misbehaving.

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