Companionship vs Relationship: The Struggles of Dating in Midlife
A series that chronicles the up's and downs of dating in midlife
Dating in general is an experience, but dating in your 50’s is frightening - and I’m not talking about getting out of your bubble and meeting new people. I’m talking about the quality of people that are available (it’s a cesspool) and individuals not knowing the difference between companionship vs a relationship and which one they can emotionally handle.
After the death of my father in 2015, I stop dating. Why? I’m a hopeless romantic who kept meeting busters who thought romances equated to doing the bare minimum because they were the prize (yes, I have a tendency to attract men with narcissistic personality traits). Example…the lawyer I had recently broken up with took me out to eat and his idea of a meal was splitting an appetizer (no main course, no drink, and definitely no dessert). Then there was the AT&T executive before him who tried to take me and his ex-wife to Jazz Fest in the same vehicle (he passed her off as his good friend), and then there was the retired Army veteran who took me to a restaurant and ordered damn near everything on the menu and expected me to pay for it because he, “forgot his wallet at home,” and I can’t forget the widower architect who felt he couldn’t take me out in public because his family wouldn’t understand (his wife had been deceased for 20 years).
I was tired.
I made a commitment to myself in September of 2015 - If I could not date a man with the characteristics of my father (single, not a narcissist, caring, understands the importance of people’s love languages, a great communicator, ability to be vulnerable, funny, loving, family oriented, loves food just as much as he loves people, has manners, enjoys the courting process of dating, and is secure with who he is and where he is in life), and is willing to do the work to be in a committed relationship, I’d remain happily single.
I healed the parts of my heart that had been broken from past relationships. I cultivated a better relationship with God in a way that is special to me (because people like to ASSume you don’t have a relationship with the divine one at all), I begin to treat my body like a temple (exercise and eating healthy), and I learned to enjoy my own company and discovered that being alone is not the same as being lonely.
I learned how to honor ME and to put myself first (not in a self absorbed way - but in a healthy way) and I stopped being a people pleaser (praise the Lord for growth).
Over the past year I’ve attempted to get back out there and date again, but despite all of my growth, honestly, it’s been one epic fail after the next (growth sometimes means you’ll find yourself alone longer than you anticipated because your tolerance for B.S. is lower).
Recent attempts at dating included the college professor and renowned scholar who informed me that he needed to have an edible and to play a video game before he could engage in a text conversation with me. Y’all…the way I looked at my phone screen!
And then there was the arrogant guy who announced he had erectile dysfunction and knew I would be understanding and could help him to overcome it (this had been an issue 4 years prior to us connecting and I’m sorry, but I’m not Jesus and I don’t perform penis miracles).
Let’s see…then there was the guy who took me on one date and moving forward all he wanted was for us to meet up at his home…on the weekend…at night…to watch football - not a pizza, popcorn, or soda pop insight. (I couldn’t make this up even if I tried).
In each of these scenarios I asked the men if they desired a companion or a serious relationship. Interestingly, they all stated they wanted a relationship, but their actions later indicated that what they really wanted was a companion or in some cases…just a booty call in between the commercials.
So what is the difference?
According to Dr. Shante Holley, the difference between companionship vs relationship is this:
Companionship is a plus one, a good time, a few laughs, somebody to fill the time, “let’s spend some time together, let’s meet up and have some drinks”…it’s very low stakes and there is no emotional commitment.
Companionship is embedded in relationship, but a relationship is not necessarily embedded in companionship.
A relationship requires someone to be emotional availability. It requires fidelity, vulnerability, accountability, honest, integrity, truthful communication, and an investment of self. A relationship is very high stakes and this is an emotional investment being made.
Friend…as you navigate these dating streets in midlife I beg you to take into consideration these things:
Healed from your past hurts, trauma, and pain.
Know what you desire in another human begin (companionship or a relationship).
Ask potential partners what they want (companionship or a relationship) and be willing to spell it out for those who don’t know the difference between the two.
Learn what makes your soul sing - take yourself on dates, engage in self pleasure, become comfortable with your own company.
And most importantly…be willing to walk away and remain single a little longer if what you are looking for isn’t available at this very moment vs settling for any ole warm body.
I am 48. I have been single longer than I care to admit and my tolerance hS grown lower with each passing year. I recently met a man who shared my faith and who said he wanted a relationship but clearly was hurt and had not healed. I couldn't love him through it. I am tired of looking and waiting. I wonder if there is someone out there for me.
😅 whew, all of this. Especially this: (growth sometimes means you’ll find yourself alone longer than you anticipated because your tolerance for B.S. is lower). I hope that you’re proven wrong with the mostly lovely man, it’s way easy said than done though. Thank you for sharing this, it resonates